DISCLAIMER: This post is strictly satire. Whiskey Jack is not running for any office. He is not real. Enjoy.
Fellow Americans,
Many of you may tune into the 2024 Presidential Debate tonight and may still be up in the air about which candidate you most align with and trust to lead our country.
Let me present another option. Me.
Hear me out. I have zero political experience or expertise. I mean zilch. I am a middle-aged dad who used to work on an assembly line and now sits behind a desk because I injured my rotator cuff years ago doing something stupid involving a shopping cart and a frozen turkey and now I can’t lift my arm high enough to shave my own back. I should also mention that I am a Sasquatch (Bigfoot for you Northerners), so shaving my back is already a tedious exercise in futility.
I don’t like crowds (obviously) so I won’t be hosting any rallies. I refuse to fundraise because that means I would have to get in front of cameras to do ads, or hosts swanky events and talk to people, or whatever else that money goes for. I’d rather you keep your money for gas so you can go on vacation, or buy a fishing pole so you can take your kid fishing, or get tickets to a concert that will help you earn cred with your teenager. I think they call that rizz nowadays.
My platform is simple… “A Return to Peace and Quiet”.
I chose this slogan because it is so loud out there right now. People yelling at each other. People pointing fingers. People placing blame. People recording everything and putting it on the YouTube and the Ticky Tock. Heck, I can even hear the yelling in my head from reading Facebook comments. I just want some peace and quite for crying out loud in the rain!
As President, how am I going to do that?
I’m going use the tips and tricks I learned when I was a class parent for my daughter’s kindergarten class.
1. Make the golden rule a law. Treat others like you would like to be treated. If not, you go to jail. Freedom of speech is still in full effect but ya got to learn to use it responsibly and stop being a jerk for no good reason.
2. Invoke the power of the bubble. When members of congress start talking over each other, I will give the signal to “catch a bubble” in your mouth, which means all microphones are turned off until everyone closes their mouth and puffs out their cheeks like they caught a bubble. Let’s stop talking to hear our own voices and start listening to understand, please.
3. KISS (keep it simple stupid). Ever go in and read some of the bills that congress has been arguing about endlessly? Sometimes they don’t even know what is in the bill before they vote on it. Solution…bills are now to be presented to both congress and the public using easy to understand posterboards, dioramas, and science fair displays. If the majority of people don’t understand the bill, that means you’re making it too complicated. Don’t get me wrong, use all of the science and data to support it, but let’s quit burying stuff in pages and pages of jargon and omnibus mumbo jumbo. Maybe put it in a pop up book for extra credit.
4. Take turns. You never know what the underdog can bring to the team if you never hand them the ball.
5. Mandatory nap time. People get cranky when they are tired. That leads to fights. Let’s all just get in a quick 30-minute afternoon nap to help keep the peace. Plus, according to MIT, daily naps make people 2.3% more productive. NASA says naps improve alertness by 54% and performance by 34%. These people are a lot smarter than me (probably because they nap more), so why not give Americans a boost in our worldwide standing by enforcing naptime, amiright?
My running mate is Yeti. She hates crowds even more than me, which is why she stays in the arctic regions. Less people. More silence. I trust someone like that.
I’d like to wrap this up by admitting that not only am I not qualified to run for President, or any office for that matter, I am also too lazy to fill out any forms and frankly don’t want to be bothered. And let’s be honest, I am a fictitious character made for your entertainment, so while my quest for greatness may be an honorable one, it is entirely impossible.
I do, however, encourage you to get out of the eco chambers that social media algorithms lock you into, and take the iSideWith.com quiz to find out which political ideology and candidates best align with your values and beliefs. (iSideWith.com is an independent, self-funded, non-partisan voter education website). The results may surprise you!
Sincerely,
Whiskey Jack
Your favorite Smoky Mountain Sasquatch
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